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fulldamage

Raised by Wolves

Gaki: writing myself Real


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fulldamage

Ronin-itis

Haven't had crosshairs like this on my back since the E3 show a couple of years ago, representing for the bam! renegades, when "Help out with demoing" turned into "Set up booth space, greet all presences, demo for all bigwigs, know the schedule, be able to locate anyone at a moments notice, do interviews, tear down booth, do promotion, all day, everyday."

Tonight, the delivery I need to make is up down to the wire, resting on the speed and skill of one last, lone programmer. And I'm the one needs to deliver the goods, and I'm responsible for a six-figure invoice, so I'm here until he's done. Likely a few issues will need to be troubleshot before it heads out the door, but until then, there's not much left I can do but wait, and the occasional spot-check, or adjusting tiny scripts.

We ain't the only people in the building either. There's a number of die-hards around, sorting out their projects, their issues, shooting the shit when their backs begin to ache or their screens begin to blur and they need a moment to look around and refocus.

I told spectralrain I couldn't remember when I'd actually had some time to just bum around at home. It was last Sunday, I think. This week has just been get up, hit the road, be at work by 10, meetings, design work, admin planning, troubleshooting, more meetings, go home after midnight, fall asleep, do it again. I'm a bit frazzled. A lot of people do more, work even harder, you know?

Only thing left in the Drug Fridge is Full Throttle. I don't really like Full Throttle. But papa needs a brand new stimshot.

Lot of these guys have kids, families. People at home waiting on them.

If you couldn't tell, I'm having a "What is it all for?" moment.

I think, under the circumstance, I've handled myself all right. But it made me ask myself what my limits, and prospects, really are --

I mean, I don't really have any regrets about where I'm at right now. Shit, this was the grail -- back when we were four kids fucking up a Los Feliz apartment unit, barely able to make $250 rent a month each, getting jobs for the express purpose of quitting them and drinking for a few months straight, kingsnake and I used to say that that was it... a low to mid-five figures regular gig doing something that we didn't completely loathe. So here I am, and despite the occasional bitch-fest, I'm not irritated with it. I can't think of anything else I'd want to do.

(Other than finish more writing, and get paid for it.)

But the damned thing is, I'm always thinking about what I should do next. That means something, and I don't know what.
I keep thinking about going back to school for a Masters. But for what?
I keep thinking about moving somewhere else local. But for what?
I keep thinking about ways to change my life, and I don't bloody know what I would change it to, or why.

I just remember traveling on my lonesome, making my way through the back alleys of Amsterdam or the myriad streets of London (I swear I saw London Below, you know). It's been almost 10 years since I went overseas. I remember my three weeks in Montreal, still working ludicrously stupid hours, but exploring the undercity and all the local joints in my off hours. Been a few years since I been out of the country at all.

I'm adventure-starved is what it is. Even when my personal comfort levels were lower, when I was alone and troubled, and miles from my native country, still -- struggling to survive in a foreign environment makes the little victories so much sweeter, makes the happinesses into little elations. Being somewhere new makes everything fun again.

I find myself with these ridiculous workloads, fighting against really oppressive odds to get projects done on time, and it's my left brain copying my right, it's my mind shadowing my heart. Clearly, I'm not happy without a Mission or a Quest.

Anybody got a gig for a knight-errant? I probably can burn a little PTO on something this year.

Thanks for helping me think these things out. You. I mean that.

Speaking of adventures, I should have a review up shortly on "Dreamfall: The Longest Journey" for Xbox. I'll let you know when it posts.

::returns to his vigil::

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I am....EXACTLY....where you find yourself @ this point in time. And it's not even something computer related. I am in dire need of an adventure at this point as well. -__-

I call bullshit on this whole "grown-up job" thing. Bullshit i say!

I dunno. I need to be doing STUFF... it's clear that I get antsy when unemployed for to long. But in order to put up with the onerousness of doing stuff every day, I also need to feel like I'm learning and growing as I do.

I am doing that now, but it's like I can see the end of the arc, and I'm just not 100% sure about what the point of getting there is, other than not being broke.

Man, I just found out that this is Abe's last week up here!

Yep, he's MINE AGAIN! MWAHAHHAHAHAHAA!

And yes, what IS that all about, this 'grown up job' business. "Oooh, you got a new job, a GROWNUP JOB, even!" I can FEEL the miasma of inverted sarcasm on that sentence.

'Netta has one half...but I'm sure you have the other...

Of my brain.

"I'm adventure-starved is what it is. Even when my personal comfort levels were lower, when I was alone and troubled, and miles from my native country, still -- struggling to survive in a foreign environment makes the little victories so much sweeter, makes the happinesses into little elations. Being somewhere new makes everything fun again."

::point, gawk.:: Out of my head, you!!


It's been awhile since your words echoed my head, but damn if it ain't eerie when it happens.

"But in order to put up with the onerousness of doing stuff every day, I also need to feel like I'm learning and growing as I do.

I am doing that now, but it's like I can see the end of the arc, and I'm just not 100% sure about what the point of getting there is, other than not being broke. "


Re: 'Netta has one half...but I'm sure you have the other...

Sure I sound like you. After all, I'm just a figment of your imagination.


...











HA! Just kidding. ^o^ OR AM I?

echoes

(Anonymous)
right as i was reading this, i was also reading a email from my mom about reception invitations and not only did i not care, i was getting violent at the idea that anyone was even expected to care about such things.

bullshit on the grownup world, indeed. overfuckingrated and no lie.

I feel you on the starved for adventure tip, though. I am missing that hustle, like when I first moved up to the Bay and had no idea what the hell I was going to do. pounding the pavement. which i haven't properly done overseas, but i can imagine that it does add to it.

not only did i not care, i was getting violent at the idea that anyone was even expected to care about such things.

Hidden therein is some sort of motto, or the book-jacket quote from the story of your life, I think. ^_^

I'll tell you what I told Mahler today.

Fuck comfort. It's about the money and it always has been. Remember when I said money wasn't everything? I was lying to myself and worse, lying to all of you. Squeeze what little comfort you can out of your hours but remember, every step, every second of lost sleep, every drop of energy drink, and every kata brings you closer to your goal. Make them realize what life would be like without your organizational skills to help them figure out where their left and right feet are. Make them lose sleep at night when they have been boxed into a corner with no logical scape goat. Make them suck *&^%.

Black Dragon gives, then Black Dragon takes the motherfucking rocks away and leaves you with an addiction to kick.

*looks at the Camera and points at the audience*

You're doing what your good at Ken. And that's getting the job done because no one else has the stamina and fortitude for it. Except me, but I hate you. *That's a sign of respect by the way.*

You don't want to write. You don't want creativity. It's bullshit. Yes, I said it. Creativity - is - bullshit. It'll eventually translate into what? MONEY. You want money. And why not? Why the hell not? You and money have so much in common bro. You're enablers. You allow others to function. You allow people forums to explore their ideas and dreams. You allow people to live rent free somtimes. Why do you think people flocked to you and Trey at Andrea house? (Fruedian...) I mean Goss street house.

That's your gold mine. You are a pain field, and the game industry is your refinery. You just gotta set up your own pumps.

-Thrillapino Revival Rant





Ramblings for the blackmail file

"You are a pain field..."

I'm keeping that one.

You're perfectly right in a way. Money = conjuration magic. I have long had a theory that money can, at a certain level, be used as an alembic to determine the real core of a person's nature. When all physical needs are removed, and only wants remain, then we can take the true measure of a person's spirit -- and that in most cases, it reveals that spirit to be a pitiful, undernourished, shallow thing.

(When we ask the question, "What would you do if there was nothing you NEEDED to do," we find that for most people the answer is that they would like to fling themselves in our faces like monkeys fling feces, and that all the things they have striven for are petty, incapable of sustaining their fragile identities.)

I am an enabler. I want to see people reach their potentials -- no, that's not quite right. I want them to succeed, and to have a hand in that success. I want to write, not to "be creative." That is an illusion. I want to write, because to put it as bluntly as possible (here is where I must differ from your creed!), I want more than money. I want to transfigure people. I want to accelerate human evolution in my small way. And the most blunt and direct way I have found to transform minds, is to show off what's in mine from time to time.

There is a light side and a dark side to all things. On the light side, I handle business at work, because I'm paid for it and I want things to function smoothly. On the dark side, it is a form of manipulation. Whatever technical skills I may lack, my pain and drudgery tolerance is high, and I expect to be compensated for it accordingly.

Still a small-timer with big dreams, me. But let's keep filling the space with hot air and raw nitro. Someone among us will fire that one electrical spark one day, and the shit will blow up sky-high. I have no doubt of this. It'll be an explosion to remember. Hope you had a good 4th.

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