ninja

fulldamage

Raised by Wolves

Gaki: writing myself Real


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ninja
fulldamage

Pros and Cons of Embarking on a Career Drinking Problem

Con: Liver failure, cirrhosis, permanent drain bramage, dragonbreath, palsy, delerium tremens, a lifelong spiral into an addiction pattern that destroys my ability to function effectively in society, blahdeblah etc.

Pro: The immediate reward of a pleasant, blessed buzz.

Con: Indulgence in an opiate for the masses, as an alternative to thinking or worrying or caring. A cheap way out of dealing with problems.

Pro: An alternative to thinking or worrying or caring. A cheap way out of dealing with problems.

Con: Learning and growth come through suffering and challenge. Alcohol is an anaesthetic; no pain = nothing gained.

Pro: An honest deal. Alcohol never goes somewhere cool without inviting me, or borrows my shit without asking for it, or lays all its problems on me while disregarding me when there are no problems. Booze offers an honest illusion - contentment. It does not offer the bladed illusion of significance, which shines bright in my dark but cuts me every time I reach for it.

Con: Alcohol solves no problems. It just erases them for a little while.

Pro: Alcohol solves problems for a little while.

Con: Alcohol can lead to harder drugs.

Pro: Alcohol is a handy crutch when avoiding harder drugs.

Con: The temptation to drive drunk is tough to avoid when you drink a lot.

Pro: Boosts my usage of public transportation.

Con: Lowers inhibitions.

Pro: Lowers inhibitions.

Wow. I just realized that I could go on with this theme for quite some time; but I'll spare you. You're welcome.

Heh. Maybe, as my brother says, it's not too late to join a Ninpo school in Japan; forego all this nonsense, and find a purpose in the arts martial. I'm just tired. So fucking tired.

I'm tired of being confused and conflicted; tired of searching for the real, and being drowned in a tide of irony and jadedness. I do things like work stupid hours and go without sleep and listen to people when they need to talk - partly because it's who I am, but partly too because I have a need to dedicate myself to things, 100%. And when I feel down... it's not so much because I feel people don't give back. They do. But I feel that at every turn, I face a world who's aim is to make the important things seem less important. To hide significance behind television and sarcasm and bad humor and passive rhetoric.

My soul is restless. It wants to go. But I don't know where. I can't see where from here. Inside, I am walking a concrete wasteland, and although I rejoice to find the little joys hidden here and there, rainbowed oil-slicks, or sidewalk dying in the grip of green grass... nevertheless, something in me is tired, in a way that isn't physical. I find myself yearning for a different path on the spiral, a different cycle. An existence in which life feels less brutal (not physically but spiritually), and the rare moments of contact, that much more significant.

I feel potential. I want to be real.

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Con: Alcohol can lead to harder drugs.

Pro: Alcohol is a handy crutch when avoiding harder drugs.


Amen. A-fucking-men.

I often feel restless. I, personally, call it wanderlust. I don't have it right now, but when I do it hurts.

I hope you found morning well. :)

You wrote:
My soul is restless. It wants to go. But I don't know where. I can't see where from here. Inside, I am walking a concrete wasteland, and although I rejoice to find the little joys hidden here and there, rainbowed oil-slicks, or sidewalk dying in the grip of green grass... nevertheless, something in me is tired, in a way that isn't physical. I find myself yearning for a different path on the spiral, a different cycle. An existence in which life feels less brutal (not physically but spiritually), and the rare moments of contact, that much more significant.

I've explained this sort of complex condition to all sorts of people and everyone offers a set of different answers, some saying to get with it and take what you can get from what is given to you, others explain that the constant struggle for something better or absurd or different is the human nature, others suggest that spirituality or martial arts can help you feel real, others say that when you know that you are ignorant you are free, others say that people always desire the fatasy.

Well I understand what they say and I'm a sufferer of wanderlust and the constant question of why something so miraculous is also so prepackaged, why we've got dreams to tease us and ideas to haunt us. I don't know, I don't know the answer, I think about faith in an idea like that, I'm not sure. But the whole thing, it pushes me down like a huge weight and lifts me up into the sky. Is everything that's momentarily special just a snapshot in the memory? Is LSD the only thing that can break those boundaries through primordial chemical imbalances in the brain? I don't know, but I love my fantasy and I'm in love with it's unattainability but only through brief momentary checkpoints like oilslicks or the smell of books.

I like drinking. Alcohol has been around since almost the beginning of civilization, why stop now? Cheers!

:P

"... I love my fantasy and I'm in love with it's unattainability but only through brief momentary checkpoints like oilslicks or the smell of books."

This, this right here. Precisely. I'm going to write something about you and entitle it, "Nail on the Head."

"I like drinking. Alcohol has been around since almost the beginning of civilization, why stop now? Cheers!"

WHOA now. Hold the phone. No one said nothing about stopping drinking. ::gives Rae the evil eye from a state away:: "A Career Drinking Problem" was what was under debate. But I've decided that I need to learn to use a sword first. That way, if I degenerate into a useless drunk, at least I'll be a useless drunken samurai, which is more entertaining for the world at large.

Cheers!

LOL ah, I'll settle for finding morning, period. But I am* well, thanks. Maybe it IS just a bout of wanderlust that's got me, though it feels more complex than that.

Congrats on the house, by the way, and much luck in caring for it! Houses are living organisms, in their way... I'm curious to see how you raise this one. (Bet you are, too!) They turn into homes sometimes, you know.

That's another odd quirk of wanderlust... never quite sure whether I'm looking for a place to GO... or a place to return home to...

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