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Raised by Wolves

Gaki: writing myself Real

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Aww, dammit.

Thrice damn to all our lack of vision. Thrice and thrice damn to my vision, which sees far ahead, but never can stop the inevitable.

Boys and girls. Especially girls.

Why don't you understand what you really are?

I'm the worst, most hypocritical one to say this. But it hurts me every time I see it, and the tears you hide aren't so hidden?

Don't wreck yourselves. You don't have to. You don't. You're too fucking special to. You just don't.

I'll hold you together no matter what. All of you. To the limit. I will, though all hell be in my path. I will not be stopped. But I'm just a shade. I can never ever fucking stop you from hurting yourselves.

There is blood on my shirt
there are tears on my shoulder
and the secrets I keep
they just make me older.

A moment. KB 9/13/2003.

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our desperate attempts to save the world of ourselves will, one day be noticed and appreciated.
the question is: is it enough...
is it ignoant and arrogant of us to think that we can really change things, being as we are?
or is it the duty laid down that so few of us pick up (or even realize it at our feet)
it sucks that only after we die and right before we live again will we understand whats really going on.
but keep up the good work sidekick and the world of ourselves will benefit from you.

You're too sweet. I hope you're right.

And I try.

I just feel like... I don't know. I feel like people need to wake up. I feel like when they don't wake up fast enough, and the world sucker punches them unexpectedly, that if I had been faster or smarter that I could have helped more. I feel stupid quite a lot of the time.

I feel duty-bound AND ignorant, i guess. It IS arrogant, because I can hardly take care of my own shit, but still. (Sigh).

Well, hell, superhero. Glad you're here to help me keep an eye on things, anyway. :) Thanks.

I'm not responding to this out of duty, not out of a need to placate with platitudes, nor out of this strange habit of mine to look for similarities everywhere. I'm responding to this because you're not alone.

You have no idea how much you HAVE done. In wonderful ways, you're looking at the potential of what could have been done, and that's great. Just don't miss one important fact, brother, you were there. You are there.

Is it enough? What's "enough"? I think it lies somwhere between our impressions of plateau and potential. There's always more to do; and that's why we keep on keepin' on.

I'm saying this to myself as much as you, I hope you know that. So, before this gets too long, or I lose my focus, I'm going to resort to some good ol' canvassing wisdom.

You're not here to save everyone. You're here to find the supportive, and get them involved.

There's probably more to say, but it's not mine to say. It's yours. Love ya kid.

GRAAH! Trust YOU to give me canvasser wisdom. Gyaar, bleh, argh! You're horrible. Thank you. The thoughts are appreciated.

I do* look at the could-have-beens instead of the things that ARE. It's an Aquarian thing; it's a dreamer thing. It's a ME thing.

The dark side of the coin of achievement is, when you don't fly, someone falls. When you miss a shot, someone else gets hit. When you lose, someone gets shit on, more than just you.

I'm not going to over-obsess about this; everything you said is true, and I should remember it. My friends appreciate me, and I need to remember that. It's just, sometimes events put my head on the dark side of that coin, and I dwell there over long. The coin will flip.


so sit back and watch the show

your bro here. i obviously don't know the situation that you're writing about, but i just felt like saying the following on a whim

let 'em fall apart. The more you try to hold them together, the more fucked-up they'll get. When all people want to do is lean on your shoulder without really listening to you (or rather anything other than affirmation) they're just venting and they aren't getting any closer to sorting themselves out. As we both know, sometimes a person can get pretty close to death before sorting a major problem out, especially if it has to do with one's own psyche. But (hard drug addictions aside) sometimes that's what it takes. Offer your two-cents if you care or if they'll listen, but don't let them get you strung out on their trip. If their self-destructive whining gets too loud, tell them to shut the hell up and feel free to beat them to unconsciousness if they get aggressive with you, male or female. Be there when you can if they seriously need you. But otherwise, I'd say let 'em burn in torment. Feel free to tell, no, scream at them "BURN IN TORMENT, FOOL!!!" and laugh and walk away. Hell, there have been quite a few times lately where you could have told me that exactly. Hm...I'm a really angry person lately.

Re: so sit back and watch the show

:) "Lately?" I know you better than that. You just bury your shit, that's all.

For the most part, your advice to me is exactly what I need to be doing. I do* devote too much of my personal energy towards others; I do* spend as much if not more time worrying about other people's situations as my own, and it's not productive, and it makes me tired and depressed when I should have energy to do better things with my day.

In THIS case, I am unhappy because someone nearly came to a more serious amount of harm, not just whining, and it happened under my nose. And if I had better judgement, if my lack of self-esteem and prejudgements hadn't blinded me to their situation, then I could have put a stop to things sooner. Everything is okay, but it's just another skeleton in my closet, to steal sleep from me, as they all do sometimes.

Part of growing up, I guess. I guess we all do a little bit of that, every day, huh?

Much love, bro.

And by the way. BURN IN TORMENT, FOO'. It's kinda fun, once you get started. :)

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